I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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