Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
