i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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