I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
