She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just gargled with NyQuil
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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