giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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