I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
My bed is full of blood and feathers
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
