Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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