sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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