Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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