Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
