Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
