If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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