I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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