Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
