They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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