if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
