Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
