i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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