Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
