Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
