Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
