the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
