He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
