And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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