Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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