I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
