My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
