i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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