So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The air was thick with penises
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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