Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
