I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I deserve this hangover.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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