You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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