I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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