I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
