found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
