i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
