Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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