Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
