Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
