So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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