I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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