just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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