1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
