I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
