We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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