Capitaan dildo arrescate!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
