tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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