That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
