smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
