After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
