Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
