True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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