I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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